JOURNAL TWENTY FOUR
It's October 15th, and I'm sitting in a chair in my aunt's room, near an open window, savoring Marley's coffee that I bought months ago. As I remain in this space... I take a sip of my morning coffee, and my thoughts wander to a million other places, such as how weak the coffee is or whether I poured too much half-and-half. I ponder, "This is not hitting the way I want it to." In that period, I'm browsing through my phone when my sister texts me: "You remember the mistake you made when you were 24?" Right then, I decided to call this journal 24.
By the time I began writing, she and I had started going back and forth about numerous things, and as much as I can quote, I want to keep it as short as possible. My sister Abby is so in touch with herself, as I was at 24, and I’m reflecting on her as I was and she as me. Mirror. Round and round. At 24. We are all the same. And to her question, I responded, "My mistake at 24 was thinking I was selfish and should fix that by extending myself more.” At this time, I have been going through emotional turmoil since I was 15 and was old enough to realize what it was at 24. The emotional exhaustion of dealing with yourself, the demands and wants of parents, families, friends, passions, intimate relationships, beliefs, college, careers, and the question, “What do you really want?” always echoes to me in thought.
Picture listening to others, dictating what's best for you, pointing out your mistakes, and advising you on what you should do. Staying in relationships that you know you're not ready to fully commit to, or continuing intimate relationships where you know this is not what you need. Maybe you don't really want a relationship at 24. Or you just are not in the mindset to have a healthy relationship. And in a moment of reflection, I wondered, “Who am I without being in a committed relationship?” This is not an insult or a rebellion against my inner desires, but I believe it is a pivotal point in connection to the answers to the question, "What do you really want?"
There may possibly be things that I haven't steadily healed from, since I've had things said to me and spoken terrible things to others. Things I have done, things done to me, all the chaos going around all over the world—I reflect on it, and to be honest, it brings me back to myself. How can I be better for myself? How can I be better to my peers? What do I really want? What exactly do these words being said signify to me? How do they make me feel? How should I respond?
As I write this at 27, about to turn 28, I can honestly say that I am exactly where I should be; I am not under any pressure. I'm growing. I am healing. I am curious. I am exposing myself to vulnerability. I'm reckless. I'm aggressive. I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. I'm spiritual. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a niece. I'm a grandchild. I'm a godmother. I'm a cousin. I'm a helper. I'm trying. However, among these things, I am love. Through all your flaws and mistakes, you are still LOVE.
We are all many things, but we still wonder, Am I enough, or am I making a mistake?. Introspection and asking others about yourself are proper, but they are not the final approach. For all of the things that you are to others, you still need to ask yourself, what are you to yourself?
I want to know more about Love at 28.
I want to lead with love.
I may have encountered love before, many, many times, in different relationships, friendships, mentors, grandmothers, grandfathers, my nephew, sister in law, step-mom, step-dad, step-sister, strangers, parents( I have three of them btw, how lucky), aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings, but what I’ve come to know was only what they came to know.
And the question throughout the rest of the year, as I sit in this space, is, what am I becoming to know for myself? And my only hope in life for others is that they find who they are in their space without opinions and outside noise from others who are on their own journey.
May God continue to show us who we are and not what others may show us; may you become a leader and not a follower. May this journey of my first entry blog post reach many people to inspire you to share yourself with others in a helpful, authentic, and creative way.
May this year and the years to come, we continue to lead with love.
All over the world, there is chaos, crisis, death, abuse, hatred, division, confusion, and state/country leaders trying their best to tackle billions of people and all of their issues. May we extend God's grace because sometimes it's hard to find it, and our love for self expands to them. But wherever you are, remember we have community and unity, and we are all one. Before you can change the world, you have to deal with yourself. And the self is the hardest thing to sit with.
I believe the reckless thing to do in life is to deal with yourself and take on other people’s issues, demands, opinions, and needs and wants. Talking about setting yourself up to go crazy and crash out. Stillness is where you find the presence of God the most. In my time here on earth as we know it to be, you have a choice to find space, and in that space, you realize your power to choose a response, to be even more creative, and to expand yourself to others in an authentic way. That is also enough.
Faith is in my journey.
I just wanted to share my journey with you, with a ripple of morning texts that led me to start my first blog post and share my thoughts with you.
My second tattoo is written in French: "foi, amour et espoir." In life, there will be many trials and tribulations, but only three remain: faith, love, and hope. But the greatest of these is love(amour). My first tattoo is a sign of Jesus' cross I received at the age of 18, going on 19, after hours of contemplation. I ran into this wonderful lady, who has since passed away, and she said, "Read Proverbs 3:5-6." That day I did, and how coincidental for me, I decided to get that as my first tattoo. Many of you might have your own interpretations, and again, no judgment. In that moment, I believed wholeheartedly that I was simply being asked to be myself, and I have.
The proverb of that scripture and my first tattoo were a testament to self and staying on my own path. To know that you do not always have to understand everything, but to know that if you submit to who you are and know who you are, and whatever you put out into the world has no ill will, your paths will be directed in light. It will maybe inspire or connect someone to keep trying. The hardest thing in this life is sitting with yourself all alone and realizing that if you do not put action behind what your soul is calling you to do, it will be difficult to find the inspiration you're supposed to give back to the community. Think of it as God trying to put together this picture, and there are endless missing pieces to the puzzle, and he needs your part to finish the full picture! We need you!
My intentions have always been to move forward because I know who has my back forever. I know who's with me in my stillness, worries, heartache, tension, and despair. And I know that I am always trying to be a better person every day. And I'm here to say that is enough. You are enough.
Keep going. ❤
Happy Birthday to all my October brothers and sisters; may we continue to find balance in the presence of turmoil and doubt.
Below is a song I just recently added to my playlist, and it fits the musical aspect of my journal.
BLESSINGS ALWAYS.
Human.